I learned a few very important lesson about rapid weight loss over the past three weeks:
1. Drink an astronomical amount of water
2. Eat tons of bulk greens
3. When you don’t do 1 & 2 you get insanely painful GI issues
4. Always do exactly what your trainer tells you to do or lesson 3 happens
Warning, the following is gross. I suggest your read it so it doesn’t happen to you.
It turns out that eating an all protein diet, with normal water intake, and very little bulk greens is the equivalent to eating cement mix and letting it harden in your colon.
I first noticed things were not running smoothly about a week into my new diet. It felt like passing small rocks that were a bit too big to fit comfortably. I figured it was just a one off thing and didn’t think too much of it.
In the weeks following I finally realized that I had not been going to the bathroom as regularly as I should. Not the I pride myself in being an everyday man, but I did start to miss the time to myself at work and at home. Where else am I going to get caught up on my twitter feed?
The few times I did get around to visiting the porcelain throne it was becoming increasingly painful.
Then one day things came to a grinding halt…
I needed to go, it wanted to come out, and the hole wasn’t big enough. Worst of all…
IT FELT LIKE TRYING TO PASS RAZOR BLADES!!!
This was not good and I’d never dealt with it before. So, I got on the phone with my Grandfather who’s a veterinarian and all around smart guy for advice.
After explaining the situation he recommended getting some stool softeners and giving things a try in the morning.
By this time it had been 7 days since my last “movement,” and I was starting to freak out, so I went with the nuclear option: a Fleet Enema.
After flopping around on the bathroom floor in just a t-shirt and socks for 20 minutes I was able to administer enough fluid to get things moving. Now to make sure everything was good and loosened up, I jogged in place for about 10 minutes until KABOOM!
It fucking hurt…BAD…but after all was said and done I was proud of myself for raising the stakes and taking it like a man.
Any normal person would be embarrassed and ashamed to admit they had to resort to using an enema, but at this point stuff like this is just a part of life. More importantly I’m still gunning for my weight loss goal of 190 lbs by my birthday on May 27th.
Right now my current weight is 214.2, which is 5 lbs down from last week. With 24.2 lbs and 25 days left I’m going to need to put up around a pound a day. Bring it!
What’s the worst physical challenge you’ve had to overcome lately?